do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
