Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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