So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Randomize
