Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
