My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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