Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
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