Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
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