found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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