My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
then he tried to convert me to islam
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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