Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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