forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
