maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
