called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
