I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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