I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
