Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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