I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
