4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
