I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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