Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
